Monday, December 10, 2012

That moment: Needed.

That moment...
When the baby wakes up from what I assume to be a nightmare - crying the saddest cry with the biggest crocodile tears... and before I could even reach all the way down the crib she was already clung around my neck pulling and climbing herself up... She nuzzled in... she held herself around my neck SO tightly. Sniffled... sighed... and her breathing slowed... her heart stopped pounding so fast. She loosened her grip... We sat down in the rocker that my great grandma rocked my grandpa in... and my grandma rocked my mom in... and my mom rocked me in... and I've rocked my babies in... she drifted off to sleep... every time I even THOUGHT about putting her down she'd take a deep breath like - "don't even think about it mom"... so we rocked... and rocked... and rocked... and I touched... and stared... and kissed... and I missed you... I miss you every day... every day I have to work... every day I run to the store... every day I wake up and you've been sleeping all night... Every day that you've grown and changed from that tiny baby I brought home... and it was That Moment... that I wondered who needed who more?

Am I comforting her? Or is she comforting me? I always say how much I needed her... It wasn't just a want for a girl... I needed one. And even more so - I needed her... There is just something about that girl. The bond that I have with her in indescribable... Not more than the boys of course, just different. Everyone needs a Rozzlyn Marie. But Im the luckiest person on earth because I have her... I feel like she's all the best parts of Zaq and I... She's so funny, and so incredibly smart... and just. so. damn. cute. She melts me daily... literally a mushy - gushy - aweeeeeeeeee... kinda melting. She has my big eyes and lashes... Zaq's big squishy lips. The most perfect little nose... and best buddha belly... *sigh* just perfection. I think back sometimes to the two miscarriages I had before her. What a nightmare that was... and we stopped trying for 6 months because I thought - I can't handle this one more time. It's just too much. Finally at the end of that 6 months I was ready to give it one more go... and I got her... all I wanted was a healthy baby... and instead I got the most amazing, perfect, healthy, beautiful baby girl I could ever imagine. And I can't even begin to think about what I would be missing had I decided it wasn't worth the risk to try again... Everything happens for a reason. Right?

29 comments:

  1. Okay...so you have me in tears....<3 you both!

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  2. *sigh* I miss those days! Breathe them in and hold your breath. :) xoxoxo

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  3. I can't see myself with a baby In life. I want someone to need me at all times. But my little girls are growing too fast

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  4. That was beautiful, Amber! You are quite the awesome mommy to all your kids, but I'm so happy you got lil Rozz after all the tough moments and the misscarriages.

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